There The Story Goes.. Part VIII

Continued by Pandora.

A few years later, they were freed from the jail. Tom has been thrown away by his wife, and so has Phil because his boss got mad when he had heard that Phil got caught by the polices. And now, they didn't have a house to be lived in. So, they're forced to find a job and buy a small house or rent a house. After they looked for a job from one to another shop, finally... they were accepted by the shopkeeper. They worked hard there, so they got a bonus every week. The money they earned, they used it for buying a small house and some furniture to be placed in the house. Until one day, somebody offered them a better job, it's to be secret agent but they didn't accept it because they didn't want to be in the jail again. They only worked hard at that shop to earned more and more money from them to be lived. If they have much money, they would build their own bussiness. So they always working hard to earn more and more money to have their own bussiness...

To be continued....

This is great Pandora!!!

Have you got word on your computer? Before you publish anything here, you should copy it into word and run a grammar and spelling check to see if word can spot any errors. I copied your work into word and although it didn't come up with much, it would have cleared up a couple of obvious problems:

the red lines are spelling problems

and the green are grammar problems.

Instantly, you can see that 'bussiness' should be business, 'to earned', should be to earn and you would have spotted that you are using the ing form of working after the adverb 'always' (so you are using it as a verb) and you aren't using any form of the verb to be. If you had posted it into word, and right clicked on the word, you would have been given some options and would have been able to work out what the problem was. You should try it next time.

Your vocabulary is very good and your verb patterns are mostly great but your tenses are really messed up. I think you can do this, so I'm not going to correct them for you. I'm going to highlight the incorect verbs and I'd like you to correct them.

A few years later, they were freed from the jail. Tom has been thrown (present perfect passive?) away by his wife, and so has Phil because his boss got mad when he had heard that Phil got caught by the polices. And now, they didn't have a house to be lived in(a little messy). So, they're forced to find a job and buy a small house or rent a house. After they looked for a job from one to another shop, finally... they were accepted by the shopkeeper. They worked hard there, so they got a bonus every week. The money they earned, they used it for buying a small house and some furniture to be placed in the house. Until one day, somebody offered them a better job, it's to be secret (remember jobs take 'an' article - I'm a teacher) agent but they didn't accept it because they didn't want to be in the jail again. They only worked hard at that shop to earned more and more money from them to be lived. If they have much money, they would build their own bussiness. So they always working hard to earn more and more money to have their own bussiness...

There The Story Goes part VII

There The Story Goes part VII

Continued by Jemmy

When Phil came to Tom’s house, Phil persuaded Tom to help him to rob the jewel that he’d been spying until now. Originally, Tom insisted to help him; he replied angrily, “I won’t help you. You know, Phil, now I am a good guy, the first thing you should know, I have been married, have a job, and two sons. Now, I’m happier than before. Have you ever thought what would be the consequence if we were caught when we were trying to steal that thing?” Tom asked. “I’d ever thought about it many times, but I got agitations to steal that jewel.” Phil replied. *You are insane, Phil!* Phil asked tom to begin their challenging action on Monday night; Phil and Tom planned to steal all of the jewels and the money that saved in safety box. *You’re the spy master, Phil!* “I will share the profits 50% with you, so could we make a deal?” asked Phil. Tom agreed. They would like to spend the money for a long holiday, and Phil, quit from his job, bought a new house and lived there peacefully. Phil was so glad and looked for some equipment as soon as he arrived home. Finally, that challenging day arrived, Phil and Tom feigned as security guards. Nobody noticed them. About 2 o’clock, they started their plan. When, they would like to open the lock of the jewelry shop, Phil forgot there was an alarm attached near the shop. In few seconds, it rang loudly. The security guards and some polices caught them. Phil and Tom had no ways to run. Finally, they arrested by polices…

There The Story Goes part VII

Continued by Jemmy Good to see you're getting involved.

When Phil came (came or went? What's the difference?) to Tom’s house, Phil persuaded Tom to help him to rob (to rob or to steal? What's the difference?) the jewel that he’d been spying on until now. Brilliant use of the past perfect continuous!!! Originally, Tom insisted to help him(insisted on helping - verb patterns are difficult, especially when there are prepositions to get in the way. Sadly, as far as I know, you just have to learn them.); he replied angrily(yeah - perfect) , “I won’t help you. You know, Phil, now I am a good guy, the first thing you should know, I have been married, have a job, and two sons. Now, I’m happier than before. Have you ever thought what would be the consequence if we were caught when we were trying to steal that thing?” Tom asked.

“I’d ever thought about it many times, but I got agitations to steal that jewel.”

This is interesting - "I'd never" is fine but "I'd ever" doesn't exist in English. You don't need the 'ever'. there is an advertisment in Medan with a picture of a man falling off a ladder (near Grand Palladium) which reads - ...because you'll never know - on the ad, the letter 'n' is falling off and the man is falling off his ladder trying to catch the letter 'n'. It's an advert for insurance I think. Unfortunately, you can't say 'you'll ever know' (meaning the opposite of you'll never know), it should simply read 'you'll know', or perhaps, 'you'll always know'.

agitations - nice word but inappropriate - careful with your dictionary.

Phil replied. *You are insane, Phil!* (Why are you using **stars** instead of "speech marks" (and don't tell me it's cute- lah)) Phil asked tom to begin their challenging action on Monday night; Phil and Tom planned to steal all of the jewels and the money that saved in safety box. (mostly good, the money is saved - passive)*You’re the spy master, Phil!* “I will share the profits 50% with you, so could (do we have a deal)we make a deal?” asked Phil. Tom agreed. They would like to spend the money for(you spend money on things) a long holiday, and Phil, quit from(no need for from - simply 'quit his job') his job, bought a new house and lived there peacefully.(here you have a list of verbs and they are all preceded by the verb 'would like'. I would like to... buy, quit, leave, live, spend etc... no need to change the tense) Phil was so glad and looked for some equipment as soon as he arrived home. Finally, that challenging day arrived, Phil and Tom feigned (hmmm dictionary lagi!!!) as security guards. Nobody noticed them. About 2 o’clock, they started their plan. When, they would like to open the lock of the jewelry shop, Phil forgot there was an alarm attached near (attached to the shop)the shop. In few seconds, it rang loudly. The security guards and some polices caught them. Phil and Tom had no ways to run. Finally, they arrested by polices… (police are uncountable - (no need for the 's') and at the end, they WERE arrested by the police - I think you knew that!!!)

Jemmy, Jemmy, Jemmy! This is brilliant. You use some very sophisticated language here, and most of it is pretty accurate. I'm really impressed. Can you do it again? Come on Jemmy, let's have some more!!!

There The Story Goes part VI

Continued by Sherli

That's what his boss did when his boss has not enough people to be his secret agent...

As long as he remembered, his boss has looked after and taught him many kinds of martial arts. So he could use Phil as his secret agent, that he could trust the most.
Back to thepresent, he phoned Kim although he didn't want to. They just talked for a moment although they hadn't met for a long time. And at the end, Kim told him to ask Tommy whom she received the glasses from. Tommy was a spy who worked in an illegal company.
"Oh Yeah! I've got new way! It should be better to ask Tom than Kim.. It needs to be easy.." Phil thought.
Hhhmmm... but it seemed that he forgot his phone number. And then he wrecked all the sides of his apartment. "Thank You God, you always help me," he smiled then called Tommy. They made a meeting in a secret place *to think that their conversation would be bugged by someone, they didn't talked about it by phone*. After they met, Phil must took his fate which has been given by God, Tom couldn't help him. It is because Tom was not a spy now in his life, he had became a good guy. (Corrected)

Ok, this is very good. You have introduced a new character which is great. Why did he quit the spying game? What does he think about Phil?

There is some great language in here but there are a few problems with the tenses (grrr!). I know that you can fix the tense problems yourself so I'm going to highlight them in your story in red and then you can edit this post and correct them yourself!

Back to the present, he phoned Kim although he doesn't want to. They just talked for a moment although didn't meet for a long time they hadn't met for a long time. And at the end, Kim told him to asked (to ask - grrr infinitive!!!) Tommy, whom she received the glasses from. Tommy is a spy who worked in an illegal company. "Oh Yeah! I've got new way! It shouldwill be better to ask Tom than Kim.. It must be easy.."(hmmm, this is not wrong, though it seems a bit awkward. I think 'it needs to be easy') Phil thought. Hhhmmm... but it seems that he forgot his (this is a bit confusing - too many pronouns) phone number. And then he wreck all the sides (do you mean 'walls'?) of his apartment. "Thank You God, you always help me," he smile then call Tommy. They made a meeting in a secret place *to think that their conversation would be bugged by someone, they didn't talked about it by phone*. After they met, Phil must took his fate which has been given by God (accept his fate), Tom can't help him. It is because Tom is not a spy now in his life, he has became a good guy.

As I said before, this story is great. It is a fantastic effort from all of you. When am I going to get an installment from Jemmy? How about setting him up with another gripping cliffhanger, Cindy?

Well done guys!